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Saturday, May 06, 2006
Feeling Very Empty
Just received the octet audio file. Realised no one videotaped it. I feel extremely and partially responsible (sounds contradictory but not really) for the lack of an octet video. I kept telling myself during practices "ask PA, ask PA, double check" but i assumed someone would turn up to do it. And I didn't really make much effort since I was already out of the college. So I let it go. And they never did turn up.
Life lesson number 1, already learnt to some extent through debate, but now reinforced the hard way : 1. Never Assume Anything.
I guess I over-invested, emotionally, in this concert. As with everything, huge risks bring huge returns, except with music, you win and lose at the same time. I love music because its the only perfect thing within my reach. People would fail me, Love would leave me and even my Hate would fade away, but I would always be able to play a piece as well as I wanted, it would be within my control and it would be perfect. Every time I played a piece, my interpretation would be added to those already created by History, and somehow, in this magnificent tradition, I would attain some form of immortality and the emotions, the conflict, the passion of that moment would be captured forever.
I created something beautiful on that night and that's gone now. It will never come back and now that there's no video, somehow I feel no closure. I guess it seems like I'm overreacting, but I've videoed all my concerts up to now. Guess I'll try to organise another vid opportunity where we can play the first movement repeat ( which is gorgeous) and give me some closure.
Life lesson 2: 2. Closure gives you the strength to go on.
The Octet was a bit on the fast side but the atmosphere created was amazing. As with R and J. Much better than I expected. It feels so magical, somehow the atmosphere is so ethereal, it just reminds me of Alice in Wonderland, nostalgic, bittersweet.
And right at this moment, I've sent the file to string seniors, all around the world ( incuding Tong Kai in London) and they're listening and telling me what they think and its just so peaceful at night and its lovely to feel so close to them in a quiet way.
My senior was telling me, its not important to have a video because there will be Elements you just can't recreate, that will be missed out, and the only true captured moment will be in your memory. I'm so afraid I'll lose these memories slowly without even noticing, and it happens, when you don't make the effort. But so far, it hasn't happened with music. Everytime I hear the piece, as I said earlier, I will always be back at that moment. Its perfect and poignant and it will hurt, but yet it will be better than forgetting.
What do I remember? I remember this concert, I remember Rachmaninoff 2 and 3 with Ted Joselson, I remember Tchaikovsky Serenade with RJC, I remember Quartet (Mendelssohn,Shostakovich,Borodin,Dvorak) in J1, I remember MEP concert with the English Folk Song Suite, I remember Brahms Symphony 2, I remember the Four Seasons and the Dance of the Yao People, I remember Octet 05...06. When I have time I will listen to them all again and it will make me feel very very much alive.